


Exponential

by imaginentertain



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aaron's abuse storyline, Explorations in bisexuality, M/M, Self Harm, references to biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 14:05:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8536054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginentertain/pseuds/imaginentertain
Summary: It keeps growing exponentially.  Robert wonders if it's ever going to stop.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thisissirius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/gifts).



> So I had an idea to explore Robert's sexuality in a series of snapshots of previous relationships. Then I came up with the idea that each part should be longer than the one before because he's exploring more and knows more about himself. Then I came up with the title and a structure and then I'm tearing my hair out because each part has twice the word count of the part before and writing to a word limit is hard!
> 
> But thank you to [thisissirius](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius) for being my cheer squad, my beta, my ideas person. I owe you at least half of these words.

1.

"Choose."

 

* * *

2.

"You're confused."

 

* * *

3.

"Bisexuals?  They're just greedy."

 

* * *

4.

So he learned how to be two people.

 

* * *

5.

It was simple: straight with women, gay with men.  So what if nobody really knew him?

 

* * *

6.

"Why do I feel like you're always hiding something?" she asks.

 

"Because you don't trust me," Robert replies.  "And without trust we can't survive."

 

It's always easier when it's always _their_  fault.

 

* * *

7.

"Tell me about him."

 

Robert looks over as his lover lit a cigarette, lips curling around the filter.  He assumes, as they all do, that his ex had exactly the same parts as they do.

 

For a moment Robert thinks about telling the truth but it's late, it's raining, and there's a promise of more sex. He'd quite like to stay so he lies.

 

* * *

8.

He's tired.

Looking at her, curled up in her favourite blanket at the end of the sofa, he wonders what it is exactly that is making him tired.  Maybe he's been working too hard, maybe he's just distracted himself too much with sex and city breaks and other meaningless things.

 

"My brother called this afternoon," she says apropos of nothing, "said he's not coming."

 

Robert's not heard much of this brother but enough to know he's not exactly on good terms with the family.

 

He's too tired to care why, he's just... tired of trying now.

 

"I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen."

 

Robert hums in response.

 

"Is it so wrong of me to not want him to bring his boyfriend when it upsets Dad so much?"

 

* * *

9.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," Robert says, a grin already in place on his face.  "They're a reason they're my exes.  Can't I just focus on the present?  Like you?  Now?  In my bed and exactly where I want you."

 

Sometimes they laugh and they kiss and Robert sets about doing what he does best.  Sometimes they press the matter and he finds an excuse to give them as little as possible.

_The one that got away._

_The one that broke my heart._

 

They don't always believe that he's always the victim so he learns to weave in a few mistakes that he has learned from.  The ones that he loved and left.  But he's a changed man now, cross his heart and hope to get you back into bed.

 

The funny thing is that he's always learning new tricks, new moves.  Something that he did with Robert that he can use with her.  Something she liked that drives him insane when Robert moves his mouth like that.  In some ways it makes his life better, easier, because they're not exactly trying to get him to open up about his love life when they're gasping for breath and coming hard for the second or third time that night.

 

"You never want to talk about it," they say.  "What are you hiding, Robert Sugden?"

 

"Why do I have to be hiding anything?" he tries.  "I don't see the fascination in dragging up the past."

 

"It's what you do when you love someone," they say.

 

* * *

10.

Robert wonders what it means to be in love sometimes.  He cares about people, some he even cares about a lot.  Like, would actually go out of his way to help, care a lot.  He's not heartless, despite what many people have said about him.

 

He sees other people doing it with what seems like ease.  When he's invited to a friend's wedding he almost says no, but then there's a joke about it being the perfect place to pick people up and figures why not: it's been a while.

 

He sits in his assigned seat as the bride and groom take to the floor for their first dance.  Robert's head naturally tilts to one side as he starts to size them up, work out their strengths and their weaknesses.  (It's something he's a natural at, as his burgeoning career in sales is proving.  Not bad for a farmer's son.)

 

Maybe it's just the situation or the day but he can only find strengths in the couple swaying slowly in front of him.  She seems to compliment him perfectly and he her and maybe that's why people actually do this.

 

He had such an idealised view of marriage once, he thinks, his mind flitting back to Katie for a second.  He wonders briefly what she's doing now but then decides he doesn't really care all that much.

 

"They look so happy, don't they?"

 

Robert looks at the woman on his right and he nods.  Smiles.  "I'm sure they will be driving each other mad for years to come."

 

"We should all be so lucky," she laughs and he smiles in return.  It's not his Smile, the one he uses when he wants something.

 

"We should," Robert says, going back to fiddling with his napkin.

 

"I'm surprised to see you on the singles' table," she says.  "Would have thought someone like you would have... someone hanging from your arm?"

 

He misses the gender neutral term, he's too busy trying to figure out what it's like to really love someone the way that the bride and groom seem to do.

 

"So... is there anyone?" she asks in a blatant move.

 

"If you need me to save you from her," the man to the left of Robert says, "just let me know."

 

"You'll have to ignore my friend," the woman says.  "He's always like this."

 

"I am not," the man protests and Robert wonders if he needs to be here for this debate.

 

"He thinks he's in with a chance," the woman says and suddenly Robert's attention is snapped back to the table.  "Any cute guy and he goes in for the kill."

 

"And my friend," the man continues, "does exactly the same."

 

"You're embarrassing him!"

 

"Well, he can easily put us out of our misery.  Which of us is in with a chance?"

 

Robert looks from one to the other.  He grabs his drink, downs it quickly, never taking his eyes off the still-dancing, still-sickingly happy couple on the dance floor.

 

He takes a deep breath.

 

"Let's just say... may the best person win."

 

* * *

11.

"We need to talk."

 

Robert isn't used to hearing that from someone else and he's both curious and terrified about where this is going.  He sits back and he waits, already plotting his next move, his escape, his line or excuse.  He thinks about his hook up last week, whether anything can be linked back or traced back or uncovered somehow.

 

He hadn't intended to go out and find someone else.  He was somewhat settled and happy and was actually starting to believe that he could do this monogamy shit.

 

She was gorgeous.  Smart, funny, wonderful.  She accepted his line that his past was his past and she never once pushed him.  He'd met her family, spent Christmas with her parents and marvelled at how it was apparently possible to have a decent relationship with one's father.

 

In the last week the conversation had gotten a little heavier, she'd hinted at how it was daft he was paying rent on a place he was barely at.  It was almost a foregone conclusion that he was going to say yes, he just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

 

Maybe that was why he'd done it.  Some hook up with a guy he barely knew beyond a name and a picture on the app.  It was fun and intoxicating and he told himself it was scratching an itch.  Why would he want some guy when he had this wonderful, perfect woman in front of him?

 

"I just... I want you to know this about me before we go any further."

 

"It's OK," he says, unable to keep the relief out of his voice.  If it's about her then she couldn't know about his... moment.  He takes her hand and kisses it gently, slotting himself back into the role of doting and perfect boyfriend.

 

He isn't sure why he is so worried about it.  It was, after all, a one off.  He's not into guys, not anymore, and that was... itch scratching.  Closure.  It was about shutting the door on that part of him before he started a life with this wonderful woman.  Maybe they'd marry, have kids, be like those people that he often heard about or saw on TV.  The ones who were just perfect and loved and were the pride and joy of their families.  Someone to be proud of.

 

She's watching him but her eyes keep flicking down to her lap where her hands now rest.  It's clear that she's nervous – or scared – and suddenly images of her with another man flash into Robert's mind.  His anger at this imagined slight is soon replaced with hypocrisy.

 

"I want you to know that I didn't deliberately keep this from you, I just... I didn't know how to tell you, when was the right time to tell you.  It's not exactly first date material and after that... well.  It gets awkward, doesn't it?"

 

"It's OK," he says, taking her hands again.  His mind races with possibilities and he readies himself to be whatever it is she needs him to be.

 

"I know we agreed not to talk about our pasts, about our exes, but you need to know this about me."

 

"Know what?" he asks.

 

"Some of them... well, a few of them... they... weren't... that is to say I..."  She takes a deep breath and looks up, fixing her blue eyes on his brown.  "Some of them were women.  I'm bisexual."

 

Robert drops her hands like he's been burned.

 

***

 

He stays for a while, he hears her out, but they both know that this is the end of them.  He packs his things in a bag and prepares to walk out.

 

"I thought you were better than this," she says and he hates himself because he should be.  Of all people he should be.

 

Except he has to be because he's not the same as her.  He's not.  He's worked too long and too hard and he's slipped once.  Being around someone like her will only make it harder and he's not prepared to deal with that.  So much for the whole wife and kids fantasy.

 

Maybe it's not for him, he thinks.  Who wants a wife anyway?

 

"I love you," she says.  "I thought you loved me."

 

"I don't know you," he forces himself to say.  The words are heavy in his mouth but if he's going to live the life that he should be living then he needs to do this.  Sometimes you have to do things like this for the greater good.  "You kept this from me."

 

"When should I have told you, Robert?" she asks.  "When would have been a good time?"

 

"Um, how about never?" he challenges.  "It's not like I needed to know."

 

"But it's who I am."

 

"Not when you're with me it's not."

 

She gets cold at that, steps back half a pace.  "It doesn't matter who I'm with, I'm still bi.  I will always be bi."

 

"Does your father know?"

 

"Yes, Nineteen-fifty, he knows," she bites.  "And he loves me all the same.  I thought you were the same."

 

"You thought wrong."

 

"Clearly."

 

She steps out of his way as he heads for the door, and as he passes by her he hears the first sniff of what will be tears.

 

"I..." he starts, but stops because what can he say?  What will make this better, make this OK?

 

***

 

In the car he pounds on the steering wheel and he yells at no one, at her, at himself, at his father.  At all the boys and girls who have pushed him to where he is now.   He tells himself that he is done playing games.  He's going for that interview next week and he's getting the job.  He will find himself the right girl, get a wife that will fit into that little box he has in his head of what his partner should be like.

 

He promises himself that he be where he wants to be within two years – at the most – and he will be done with this stupid life and these stupid feelings.  Even if it means he works harder than ever.

 

* * *

12.

He's spent _weeks_  planning this.  He thought about asking Lawrence for permission but given that his boss isn't too thrilled about Robert dating his daughter he can only surmise what he'd think and feel about them being married.

 

For the last year he's played the part, and if he does say so himself he's been Oscar worthy in his portrayal of Perfect Man.  He learned everything about Chrissie before making his move.  Granted, a lot of that was learned from Bex (and what an excellent teacher she was.  So grateful too).

 

He listened and paid attention, he flattered all the right people to get where he needed to be.  Getting the job at the White corporation had been the culmination of more hard work than he'd put into pretty much anything else.  He formed the perfect persona: to the guys he was the man you'd share a beer with, to the women he was the man you'd share a bed with.  And there were a few – of the latter only – but that had changed when the boss' daughter had dropped by to see who their new sales magician was.

 

She had joked about him flattering their clients into bed and he'd seen that as a challenge to flatter her.  It took three months, only because _he_  made her wait.  (He's proud of that.  It earned him a lot of brownie points and she had been so appreciative.)

 

Bex had been the icing on the cake and for a while he enjoyed the thrill of of both sisters showing their gratitude.  This was who he was supposed to be: a ladies' man.

 

Now here he was on the verge of every dream he's ever had.  Chrissie represented the goal he'd been working towards for over a year and now money and power and success were within his grasp.  The life he wanted to live with a gorgeous woman on his arm.  What else could he want?

 

As far as Chrissie was concerned it was going to be a nice, normal date.  Dinner, a meal, maybe going back to his apartment and having some quality time together.  Instead he was going to whisk her off to an exclusive restaurant that he'd had to book three months ago, then to Broadway House (you didn't want to know who he had to screw to get an invite there) for members-only drinks and surroundings, before a private pod on the London Eye where he would get down on one knee, knowing her answer before he asked.

 

It was planned out to the moment and it would go exactly the way that he wanted it to go.

 

Smoothing down the collar on his shirt he checked his watch; he was expected to pick her up in a little under an hour so he had time.  She always complained that he was late, that he never came in to say hi to Lachlan but Robert liked it that way just fine.  Maybe once they were married they could look into boarding schools or something.  He was sure that the lad would be happier without having to live with his step-father, and coming home at holidays to a credit card load of presents and enforced family time before the next stretch would probably suit them both just fine.

 

Sitting on the leather couch Robert flicks through endless channels of nothing, never staying long enough on any one channel to even see if it was worth watching.  The endless stream of the same old same and so he gave up and left the channel on whatever it was when he stopped.  Dropping the remote down he went through to the kitchen and grabbed a beer, returning just as the two characters on screen started to get up close and personal.

 

The bottle hovered just by Robert's lips as the two men on his screen locked theirs.  Robert stood, transfixed by it.  The way that it was hard and masculine, strong fingers in each other's hair as they pulled off shirts, revealing TV-toned abs.  Clearly whatever this was didn't intend to stop there and Robert was treated to a view of strong thighs, muscles bulging as one pulled the other up, lifting him so that his legs were wrapped around the lifter's waist.  They crashed against the wall of the TV apartment just a second before the beer bottle crashed through the TV screen and Robert let out his own yell of frustration.

 

He could feel his penis stirring, he could hear the blood pulsing through his veins, and he bangs his head against the door jamb as he tries to will his body into submission.  It clearly hasn't got the memo though because when he closes his eyes he can so easily imagine that he was the one being lifted.  Another body, hard and firm against his own, trapping him against the wall with a strength that he just didn't get anywhere else.

 

Hating himself for this but unable to stop himself, his hand drifted to the button on his trouser, popping them loose and freeing his growing erection from the confines of his clothing.  His hands are rougher than Chrissie's and so it's not her in his mind, it's not any 'her'.

 

He tries to bring his mind to Chrissie, to Bex, to any of the girls he could have had but it's the man from the TV with the gym-buffed abs and so he just gives in, imagines all the things that man would do to him if he let him.

 

The fantasy is interspersed with memories that he'd long since buried, of nights and weeks and months in another man's bed.   His hand works on an unconscious memory, things he did to himself, to them, they did to him.  It's too dry, too rough, but he's not stopping now.  Spit doesn't last long and his precome isn't enough to keep the movements as slick as he would like.  He remembers one rough night with not enough lube and how he'd been too drunk to even care.  Been a small wonder the condom hadn't torn, but it was fun and amazing and so he put himself back there in that small flat somewhere south of the river.

 

The scene from the TV replayed in his head and he lost himself in the emotion of what it was like to be with men, to have bodies like his against his own.

 

It met a need he didn't know was there and soon he was coming with a groan, sinking to the floor in his afterglow.

 

The first thing he noticed was the mess that was his High Definition television.  That had been his pride and joy, the centrepiece of the whole flat.  The room had been set up to be the centre of everything, his entertainment and socialising space.  It was here he wined and dined woman after woman until Chrissie.

 

Chrissie.

 

Shit.

 

When Robert looked down at his watch he saw the mess he'd made of his perfectly crafted outfit and cursed.  He got to his feet, already pulling at the soiled shirt, and mentally went through his wardrobe trying to figure out what his Plan B was going to be.

 

***

 

Robert knocked heavily on the door, running his hand through his dripping wet hair.  On the other side of the door he hears Chrissie walking on the hardwood floor and his expression changes, ready for the look of surprise on her face.

 

"Robert!  What on earth happened?" she asks.

 

"Nothing tonight has gone the way I planned—"

 

"Do you want to reschedule?"

 

"—and that hasn't stopped me.  In fact, I'm more determined than ever."

 

"To do what?" she asks.

 

"I planned every second of tonight and I realised that none of it matters.  I don't need the perfect dinner or perfect drinks location or perfect anything because I have you.  You make things perfect, Chrissie.  Nothing in my life made any sense until I met you."

 

"Come in out of the rain," she says, holding out a hand to him but with a half step back so that she doesn't get soaked herself.

 

"Marry me," Robert blurts out and he takes a moment of pride to see her composure falter a little.  "That's what tonight was about.  I have... had a ring too," he continues, "but I don't know where it is and I got to thinking that maybe it was a sign that we shouldn't do this, but I want this.  I want you, Chrissie.  You and me, we're going to make this company something worthwhile and I know we can make this, _us_  something worthwhile too."

 

"Rob..." she starts, but she doesn't know what to say and that emboldens him further.

 

"I've bounced around from place to place and now I want to make a home, build something that we can be proud of."

 

"You make it sound like this is a business merger," she laughs, only half serious, and that's when he knows he's winning her around.  She's always so business minded, it's how he got her attention in the first place.  "You... you're serious?"

 

"Of course I am," he says.  "Why else would I be here, at your door, in the rain?  I ran all the way..."  When she looks at him he grins.  "OK, I ran all the way from the Tube station, but that's over a mile so I get some credit.  I think my jeans are part of my legs now.  But my suit got ruined and I'm hoping that not everything is."  He knelt down as best he could.  "Chrissie—"

 

"Mum," Lachlan says as he appears, "what—oh my god, you're not serious?"

 

"Lucky," Chrissie chides, not taking her eyes off Robert.  "I'm sorry, he's... he's in shock.  So am I if I'm honest.  I didn't expect this."

 

"Really?" he asks.  "I didn't think I was the only one thinking this was forever.  I'm not, am I?" he adds, feigning hurt.

 

She smiles, laughs softly, and shakes her head.  "No.  You're not."

 

"So?"

 

"You really want this?"

 

"Why else would I be here?"

 

"Then yes," she says, stepping out into the rain as he stands up and kisses her.  He's barely aware of Lachlan rolling his eyes and walking away but he doesn't care.

 

***

 

He'll come in, dry off and spend the night.  In the morning she'll take him back to his apartment where his staged accident explains the broken TV, the torn suit (part of it at least) evidence of his 'clumsiness'.  She'll help him clean up and she will 'find' the ring, and Robert will claim that it's fate.  He'll stage a new proposal and slip the ring onto her finger, and tell her that he will run a mile in the rain for her any time.

 

Later that day he'll pick up his car from two streets over, the empty bucket still on the back seat.  The lovely couple had let him fill it up from their outdoor tap even though it was starting to pour without too many questions.  Chrissie will replace his "good" suit with a new one – "no fiancé of mine will go without" – and she won't even realise that the shredded one with parts of the television screen in it was one she'd never seen him wear.  The suit from that night will be back in his wardrobe by the end of the week thanks to his favourite "no questions" dry cleaners.

 

Lawrence won't be happy, neither will Lachlan, but Chrissie will placate them with her romantic proposal story, of the man who ran in the rain to drop to his knees at her door.  The man she will build an empire with.  Robert will smile and win them over and it will be a story they joke about telling for years to come, when they've built their fortune and have retired somewhere warm.

 

He will tell himself that he's finally become the man he wants to be – the man his father would have been proud of.  He has a beautiful woman on his arm and his life is perfect.  He'll prove his worth over and over and secure a promotion to work alongside his bride-to-be.  And when Lawrence mentions Home Farm a new idea forms.

 

* * *

13.

 _I love you_.

 

The words run around his head like a mantra as fights to keep his eyes on the road.  He fails, looking over at Aaron to at least reassure himself that he's still alive.  Still breathing.  It's shallow and it's ragged but it's there.

 

"Stay with me, Aaron," he says.  "Hey, don't do this to me."

 

He reaches over to shake Aaron, trying to get a response from him even if it's just to tell him to leave him alone.

 

"You can't die on me," Robert says, desperation clear in his voice.  "Please don't die on me."

 

He wants to say those three words but he can't.  They're in his head, in his mouth, in the fingers that are gripping the wheel and pressing into Aaron's body.

 

"C'mon, Aaron.  You are too strong for this."

 

"...not..." Aaron mumbles and Robert's chest tightens so much that he's half convinced that he's having a heart attack.

 

"Come on.  Who's going to give me hell if you're not around?"  He tries to laugh but it doesn't come out right and it sounds like he's choking, gasping for air.  Which, in a way, he is.  "Aaron, you need to wake up.  Please."

 

Aaron says nothing, his head lolling against the window but at least Robert can see the clouds of breath which are forming and dissipating.

_I love you.  Please don't leave me._

 

His foot presses further on the accelerator and he knows the needle has crept up past the speed limit but he doesn't care.  It doesn't matter, nothing matters to him except the man who is still breathing – but only just – next to him.

 

Robert's mind replays the short conversation at the scrap yard, how angry and distant Aaron had been and how at first he'd just assumed that it was because how things were between them.  He knew Aaron hated him, knew he had good cause to hate him.  At one point Aaron had wanted him dead but now that he was in a moment where he could lose Aaron he couldn't bear it.  The idea, the concept of it was enough to turn his skin cold.

 

Aaron must have truly hated him but Robert doesn't care.  Because none of it matters.  He will bear any feeling, any response that Aaron dares to give him because at least it'll mean that he's around to give one.

 

When he nears the hospital he entertains ideas and images of just pulling into the ambulance bay and hauling Aaron in, abandoning his car, but he knows that they will force him to leave Aaron, move his car, and nothing in this world will keep him more than arm's reach from him.

 

"We're here, Aaron, it's OK," he says, more to himself than Aaron, "just hold on a little longer."

 

He pulls into a parking space and pulls the break on.  In seconds he's out of the car, 'round the other side, and he's lifting Aaron into his arms.  He'll carry Aaron if he needs to but thankfully Aaron is with it, with _him_  enough to shuffle along.

 

***

 

They take Aaron from him and his fists curl, resisting the urge to tear this place apart to get him back.  He needs Aaron back but he needs him well and better and yelling insults more.  So he curls his fists and he tries to steady his breathing.

 

Now that all he has to do is wait all his brain can do is think.  What if he'd just brushed off Aaron's mood as more hatred?  What if he'd not bothered to call in at all?  If he'd been later or earlier?  What if he'd not had the instinct that something was wrong, gotten up and read the note?  Aaron could have passed out at the wheel and there where would he be?  Dead in a ditch somewhere?

 

Robert's chest tightens again so he pushes that thought away.  Aaron is alive and well and hurting more than ever which makes Robert more determined than ever to find out why.  It doesn't matter if Aaron wants him, likes him, even cares if he's around.  Robert is going to find out why Aaron has done this to himself, the real reason why he needs to tear himself to shreds, to run away.  Then he is going to make everything better, no matter what it costs him.

 

His chest feels different at that realisation.  He's loved Aaron for a while now but this is something new.  A different aspect to this love.  There's nothing in this for him, no prize to win or rewards to gain.  If Aaron never said a kind word to him again he wouldn't care so long as he was safe and well and happy.

 

Maybe this is what he'd seen at that wedding.

 

***

 

It's amazing, it's terrifying how clear everything is to him now.  He sees Aaron, he sees the pieces.  He hears the words and he remembers all the things Aaron has ever said to him.  The tone of his voice, the pleading, the desperation as Aaron _begs_  him to leave.  The resolution and certainty that he's not taking the easy way out, he's not backing down.  It would make things easier for him and he doesn't doubt that it would make it easier for Aaron; he wouldn't have to face it, explain things.

 

But Robert's not going.

               

He walks because Aaron wants him to and he would give Aaron the world.  But he's not _leaving_  him, he's never leaving him again.  Robert's thoughts aren't reckless or desperate.  They're cool and collected and reasoned.  Somehow Gordon is tied up in all of this.  He may not have been the person to drive the blade into Aaron's skin over and over but it was his fault all the same.  Looking back he realises when things had started to get this bad, when Aaron had started to fall apart.  He hates that he didn't see it before now but now he does see it, it's all he sees, and the challenge settles in his heart next to Aaron's name.

               

 _I love him_. 

               

He'd seen the marks, the scars before.  He'd never thought about them because it's easy not to when you don't want to.  Now he wishes that he had, that he'd taken the time to read every one and to tell Aaron that he is not alone, that he has someone in his corner.  That when it's too much there's someone to lean on.

               

Someone to fight with him and for him.  Someone who won't ever give up on him.

 

***

 

"I love you."

               

The words spill out before he can stop them, it's instinctual.  He doesn't want to take them back, wouldn't take them back even if Aaron begged him to the way that he's begging Robert to say nothing else.  Like he's not just dropped the biggest bombshell on him that was possible.  Like he didn't just say something that tilted the world on its axis.  Tilted Robert's world – or righted it.  He'll figure that out later.  Because now all he wants is to see justice done for the broken man in front of him.  To see him safe and happy.

               

He also wants to smash Gordon's face into the nearest brick wall, but first things first.

               

"This isn't your fault—"

               

"Don't," Aaron says and Robert obeys without a further word.  "Please."

               

"OK," Robert says and he means it.  Whatever Aaron asks of him he will do.  He will stand, he will fight, he will lay down his life if it will help.

               

Those nights, those stolen moments with Aaron when he saw the lines and the marks and the scars and he wondered what could possibly make him hate himself so much and now that he knows he wants to kiss every single one of them and praise them.  It's weird that he feels like that, but he does.  If it weren't for them, for that one that's a little too deep and too infected, then he never would have known.

               

Now that he knows?  Nothing is going to stop him from doing what needs to be done.

               

Aaron shifts on the sofa, trying to get comfortable.  Robert says nothing, Aaron is setting the rules for this.  Robert watches, waits, his mind already stirring into action.  It's been a while since he felt this drive, this determination to get something.  And this is more than a position with respect and money and power in some stupid corporation.  This is the man that he loves, this is the one person who comes first.  Then, now, always.

               

So he thinks, plans, waits for Aaron to give him a sign of what he should do next.

               

"Can I..." Aaron starts and Robert does, halfway out of his chair before Aaron can even finish his request.  "Water?"

               

Robert grabs the glass from the table, refills it with fresh water and places it in front of Aaron in what is probably record time.  He risks sitting at the other end of the sofa and curls his hands into fists to stop himself from reaching out to touch Aaron, to pull him close, to hold him and love him and promise him that nothing bad will ever happen to him again so long as there is breath in his body.  And what breath there is in Robert's body will belong to Aaron should he need it.

               

"I wish you'd let me take you back to hospital," he says gently.  "Please, Aaron."

               

"I just need to rest."

               

"They have beds there," he says, then hates himself for making a joke.  No time for quips or ill-thought out comments, Sugden.  "You need treatment."

               

"I need to... I need to..."

               

Aaron struggles for the words but Robert doesn't fill in the blanks.  He knows anyway what his love is trying to say.  What it is that words can't convey.  He needs to forget, he needs to move on, he needs to deal, he needs to find strength, he needs to let go, he needs to believe, he needs to hope.  He needs to believe in something other than himself.

               

Robert is stunned by how much he wants to be that something for Aaron.

               

"It's OK," Robert says, his hand resting gently on Aaron's thigh.  He doesn't indicate that he wants Robert to remove it so it stays.  "Whatever you need, OK?  This is on your terms."

               

"So that means you won't say anything?  Please, Robert, no one can know.  Especially Mum.  She'll blame herself, she'll hate me—"

               

"There is no way that Chas is capable of doing anything but loving you," Robert says.  "She'll want to help, everyone will—"

               

"Look at me like I'm some kind of freak."

               

"They won't."

               

"They do already," Aaron snaps, and Robert knows what he means.  The cuts, the suicide attempt.  Jackson isn't really forgotten just never talked about.  "I won't be that person.  Not again."

               

Robert knows that he could force it, push it, he could walk out of here and tell anyone and everyone and damn whatever Aaron wants because it's the right thing to do.  Except it isn't because it's not what Aaron wants and Robert can't bring himself to be that person.  Not with him.

               

"I promise you," he hears himself say, "I won't tell anyone."

               

"Promise?" Aaron asks and Robert's heart swears that he will make every promise to Aaron and keep them all.  "I wanted it all to stop, for the pain to go away."

               

Robert listens as Aaron talks, sometimes in words and phrases, sometimes sentences, and once he rambles on for minutes without seeming to pause for breath.  Robert says nothing, it's not his place.  This is not about him.

               

It won't be about him until Aaron is OK and it doesn't matter how long that takes.  He has the stamina.  And, it appears, the heart.

               

"I don't know why you're bothering with me," Aaron mumbles, sinking further down on the sofa.  "I'm a mess."

               

"You know why," Robert says because he knows, with the same instinct that he knows the depth of his love, that Aaron can't hear it yet.  Or if he does he won't believe it.

               

Aaron's shuffling turns into lying down and Robert find a blanket to throw over him.  He sits and watches Aaron sleep and he can't help but smile as he remembers one morning during their week at Home Farm when he'd woken before Aaron.  There was something about him in his sleep that Robert found intoxicating.

               

There was still an edge of 'fight me' in the set of his jaw, the sense that if he was untimely woken then the person would have hell to pay.  (Robert remembered being tempted by that challenge, if only to see if he could win.)  But his guard was down, the one that many never saw past.  He was used to looking, used to seeing things that no one else did.  The little chinks and gaps that allowed anyone who did more than a passing glance to see more of the man underneath.  Underneath the hurt and pain and scars and bad decisions.  Beyond the sarcasm and the defiance and the personal moral compass.

               

He'd last had that moment at Home Farm just before Aaron woke, made a comment about being a creep watching him, and then pinned him to the bed and they started the morning in the best way possible.

               

Watching him now Robert can't help but see a few more chinks in there and he wonders if they're there because he's so broken or because Robert has broken through.  He knows that Aaron loves him, or at least he did once, and so maybe he's getting closer to the man who has had a hold on him for longer than either of them may be willing to admit.  Maybe this is just the last piece of the Aaron Livesy puzzle.

               

As Aaron settles into sleep Robert settles into his watch.  Nothing on this earth will tear him from Aaron's side and that resolution sits in the pit of his stomach and becomes a part of who he is.

               

He's loved before, of course he has.  He loved Katie, he loved Chrissie.  He would have said once upon a time that he would do anything for them and he wants to go back and tell his younger self that he has no idea what is coming, of the love that he's going to feel one day for the most unlikely of people.

               

And it's going to be the best fucking thing he's ever known.

 

***

 

Aaron wakes, moves in the night to a chair because he can't stand lying down, and Robert waits until he's settled and asleep again before lying on the floor and trying to get a bit of sleep himself.  It's slow to come because his mind won't stop dreaming of Gordon and all the ways Robert will make him pay for every moment of pain, every moment of grief, and every line on Aaron's body.

               

The first time he'd seen them he'd tried not to look.  He'd heard, of course he had, and he wasn't so arrogant to think that it was attention seeking or a fad.  He knew that anyone who did that to themselves had issues, problems.  He just never cared what they were to begin with.  No, that wasn't true.  He didn't want to care.  Aaron was supposed to be a fling, an itch.  Filling the gap.

               

He's not sure how he ended up here but he wouldn't be anywhere else.

               

He remembers what he said to Aaron that day in the scrap yard and not for the first time he hates himself.  He knew how to hurt Aaron and he did it.  He dug into a wound that was old and festering and until the day he dies he will rank it as one of the worst things he has ever done. 

               

"I'll make it up to you," he whispers to the now-sleeping Aaron, "I swear it."

 

***

 

The lie comes easily – "He's my boyfriend." – and he's struck by how much he doesn't want it to be a lie.  It's never been the lie he's told before, that has always been to deny the presence of a partner.  But as he follows the nurse through the corridors he knows he will tell a thousand lies to a thousand people if it keeps him at Aaron's side.  From now on if anything or anyone in this world wants to get near Aaron Livesy then they will have to go through him.

               

Aaron's dismissive about Robert's presence, trying to brush it off and send him away.  But he's been brushed off by Aaron before and this is different.  There's something new between them and he's not sure what it is, or if Aaron feels it too.

               

He pleads with Aaron to end this, to do what he should do because it's the right thing to do.  But when Aaron begs him to keep it quiet his heart reminds him of his promise to promise Aaron everything.  And to keep that promise no matter what.

               

"Your mum is welcoming him back into her life and we can't—" he begins.

               

"I can't do this."

               

"You can," he says, "and I'll be there.  You're not on your own."

               

"But I am, aren't I?  It didn't happen to you, Robert, you weren't... hurt by your own father."

               

Robert falters at that, but he says nothing.  This is not his moment.

               

"If I tell people then it brings it all back."

               

"Did it even leave?" Robert challenges.  "You've been carrying this for so long, for over fifteen years, and look what it's done to you."

               

"Why do you think I want to leave?" Aaron asks.

               

"Believe me, you can run all you want but this won't ever go away.  Do you want him to win?"

               

"I don't want to lose," Aaron whispers.

               

And that's the moment when Robert understands Aaron better than he ever has before.  It's never been about not wanting justice or retribution, it's been about not losing what Aaron has been able to claw back in that time.  Aaron knows who he is, is happy with his identity and the life he has made.  A few weeks ago he was settled and doing well – or so it seemed at least – and so if he's prepared to run away from that then, Robert surmises, protection of his self and his sanity is more important to him than anything.

               

Somewhere in Robert's mind his priorities shift accordingly to align.

               

"Where will you go?" he asks.

               

"I don't know."

               

"Will you let me help you?  Money?  A place to go?"

               

"You don't own me," Aaron spits, turning his head away and Robert's heart sinks.

               

"No, that's not... I wasn't..."  He stops, regroups.  "It's not about that."

               

"Then what is it about?"

               

"This is about making sure that you're OK.  If you run off without thinking this through then you're going to end up in trouble sooner rather than later, assuming you don't end up killing yourself."

               

"At least that would put an end to this," Aaron says numbly and Robert's heart lurches at the thought.

 

***

 

It takes over an hour to get Aaron to promise two things.  One, that he will be here when Robert comes back later.  Two, that he won't dismiss Robert's offer so quickly.

               

Sitting in the car he takes a moment, trying to process everything.

               

"You are so screwed, Rob," he mutters to himself.

 

***

 

Every time he has been with someone in the past he's always kept a part of himself back, reserved a small corner of his life that was just his and his alone.  It was protection, a safeguard.  He'd seen what happened to people who gave themselves so completely to someone.  He saw his mother fall apart when his father cheated, then his father fall apart when his mother returned the favour.  Then even after all that he saw how her death destroyed him still.  Andy and Katie, his father and Diane...  No one had ever managed to hold a relationship together so why invest everything in something that doesn't last?

               

No one had ever known everything about him and he had liked it that way.  He likes the control, likes that no one has the ability to destroy him the way that he's seen so many people destroyed by someone who once said those three words to them.

               

He would say it and he would mean it in the moment.  He would say it and use it to get whatever it was he wanted.  He would say it because that's what they wanted or needed to hear and he wanted an easy life.

               

But Aaron?  It wasn't about words, it was about more than that.  It was about everything else around it.

 

***

 

Whatever he was expecting Aaron to say, admitting that he's told his mother everything wasn't on his shortlist.  He was still adamant that nothing had changed, that he still wasn't going to the police.  But it was a start.

               

As Aaron walks away from him Robert can't help but smile to himself.  There's a strange hope in the air now and Robert can't help but feel that it could lead to something.  Since when has Aaron ever listened to him before?  And now he's stayed, talked to his mother, and opened up about what happened to him...

               

The smile stays on his face for so long that people start asking what he's up to or what scheme he's just pulled off.  He wants to shout, to be that stupid cliché and go on about how his heart and soul belongs to the greatest, the strongest person he has ever known.

               

No matter how long it takes, no matter what he has to do, Robert will see justice done for Aaron.  He will see him happy and well and safe and if there is such a thing as a god then maybe he will get to be the man who is by Aaron's side in all of this.  It's a choice but it's also not at the same time because he couldn't walk away now even if he wanted to.  Maybe it is unfair and greedy of him to want so much from Aaron, but it has to be his choice to give Robert that – or anything – and so if Aaron's choice is nothing then that's what it will have to be.

               

It'll break Robert's heart, he knows, but he will respect it.  But if Aaron gives him a chance, a sign, a hint of a promise that could suggest they could have something then Robert will cultivate it, protect it, and cherish it.  He will do all the things he should have done during the affair and this time he will do it right.  He will love Aaron, freely and openly.  He will stand by him and protect him and the words that he says to him will be crafted to show love and support.  He will stand behind, beside and in front of Aaron to be everything that  he needs from the man that he is with.

               

Aaron deserves to be loved unreservedly and Robert wants to be that man with every single beat of his heart.

               

Maybe it won't be him, maybe they're just too broken as a pair, too damaged as individuals for it to ever work.  But it won't change anything and Robert knows that with the same certainty that he knows who he is.

               

It was never about the right man or the right woman, it was never about one not being enough.  It was about the right person and now that Robert knows who that is, has a face and a name and a body to go with it, he knows that his life is going to be different from now on.  He knows who he is now, the man that he's become and the person he wants to be.  He knows himself and he knows that Aaron gets that, gets him like no one else does.  There's a freedom in his future that he's not had before but he instantly turns away from that thought because right now this is not about him.  It can't be about him so it won't be.

               

 _I love him._  

               

His love for Aaron is more than he ever thought it was possible to feel, and against all expectations it just keeps growing exponentially.  It'll never stop and Robert is happy with that.

**Author's Note:**

> When I'm not procrastinating writing fic, I'm procrastinating on my [Tumblr](http://beautifulhigh.tumblr.com) so come say hi?


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